seriously, we’re thinking about moving

Posted by Conrad Barman on May 13th, 2009 filed in Domicile

ok….so you know we love our house (or at least we love the house it could be).  we love our neighbors.  we love the tamale house. we love i luv.

but…..

we don’t love crime.   sure - we love the police (no, they aren’t perfect, but they do try to keep the peace).  but the police can only do so much, and after a while you get tired of seeing the flashing blue and red lights outside your bedroom window.

first i am going to list what has happened from memory, and then i am going to chronicle some of the events that have (or should have) involved police intervention in our neighborhood. BUT - i’m limiting the list to events that have taken place within a block or two of our home, and limiting the chronicling to events that are worthy of further explanation (if possible i’ll use humor and colorful metaphors to ease the pain).  and maybe if someone out there (you) has a comment or two i can be made to understand that this isn’t out of the ordinary and we’ll experience this no matter where we live.  or maybe not.

below is the list of events.  i will probably have to edit this as my memory isn’t perfect: i haven’t listed any of this before, and i don’t know about chronology (i’ll try to get them in the correct order) and most unfortunately i don’t know the exact dates.  when i’m less lazy i might research it and figure out exactly when some of these things have happened.  also, before you go off questioning my status as a superhero if i can’t handle the crime in my own neighborhood, please realize i am not flying solo.  even super(lame)man had one legitimate weakness (aside from his stupid ego): Lois.

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Life on E. 50th (we moved in September of 2004):

criminal pursued on foot (through our backyard)

possible hostage situation requiring the swat team (yes - you read that right) and a host of solitary sniper/supercops

police helicopter spotlight in our backyard (and subsequent search by cops)

car of three kids pulled over (and forced to walk out of said car backwards with police pointing assault rifles at them)

car pulled over by 3 cops (two on motorcycles) with guns drawn (morning after the assault rifle incident)

next-door neighbor’s shed broken into (all power tools stolen)

neighbor’s house broken into (keys wallet etc stolen)

same neighbor’s house attempted break-in during daylight hours with said neighbor inside (she hid in a closet and called the cops - the guy never got in due to a reinforced door after previous incident)

dude walks past our house covered in blood muttering incoherently (i called the cops but he disappeared before they showed up)

two punk kids attempted to break into our friends’ moving van

our car left unlocked - all spare change and checkbook stolen

dumb-ass thief arrested (and our checkbook recovered)

two dudes face off in the street (one one a bike with a big stick)

neighbor’s cell phone, cigarettes, lighter and (open) beer stolen off front porch (after he ducked inside for all of 2 minutes)

bass player’s car broken into (bass stolen but recovered that night)

WWII era pineapple grenade discovered and later detonated  (not really under the “crime” category, but still crazy.  crazy cool?)

neighbor’s friend’s car broken into and cheap-a$$ GPS system stolen (he said it was cheap)

our car broken into (and ipod stolen….this discovered last wednesday morning)

random incoherent dude arrested (involving at least 6 cruisers and a lot of yelling by said dude - taking place last wednesday night)

car pulled over and lots of shouting by police and wife/girlfriend/friend of driver (last night)

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also, on a completely unrelated topic, i did claim victory over my recent battle with the gas company: